Independence: The Dark Side

 Modern society often touts independence as one of the highest virtues, especially in women. The “strong, independent woman” is held up as the ideal for young women to aspire to. Women are told they don’t need men, and men that they don’t need women; that all can be complete within themselves.

Young men and women are urged to move away from their parents and “get out on their own” as soon as they turn 18. But despite this, getting married young is discouraged; both sexes are told to first go to college, get degrees, and start climbing the corporate ladder. When they do finally get married, husbands and wives are still encouraged to be as independent of each other as possible: separate incomes, split bills, and taking turns on the various household chores. In extreme cases, even separate meals, separate TVs, and separate bedrooms to accommodate the separate work schedules!

This type of thinking permeates not only the western world, but even the churches. It’s common to hear such things as “a marriage should be between two people who love each other but don’t need each other.” Between two independent people, in other words.

But did God design us to be independent? Was this His purpose when He “created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them” (Gen. 1:27)? What does the Word of God have to say about this matter?

God’s Design

1 Cor. 11:11-12 seems rather straightforward: “Nevertheless, neither is man independent of woman, nor woman independent of man, in the Lord. For as woman came from man, even so man also comes through woman; but all things are from God.”

This points us back to Genesis, where God began the human race with just one man, Adam. Moments afterward, in Gen. 2:18, we read, “And the LORD God said, ‘It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.’”

There are two critical statements here. The first is, “It is not good that man should be alone.” We find this theme echoed again and again throughout the Bible. For example, “A man who isolates himself seeks his own desire; he rages against all wise judgment” (Prov. 18:1). Again, “God sets the solitary in families” (Psa. 68:6). And again, 

9 Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor.

10 For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up.

11 Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm; but how can one be warm alone?

12 Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken. (Eccl. 4:9-12.)

So the Scriptures are clear: it is not good for anyone to go through life alone. Why? Because no human being is enough on his or her own. God did not design us to be alone, nor to be independent of others.

This brings us to the second statement. Because Adam was not enough on his own, because it was not good for him to be alone, God said: “I will make him a helper comparable to him.” Adam needed someone to help him.

“Comparable” is an interesting word. The Hebrew text uses a variant of the word neged (Strong’s # H5048), which means, “in front of, in sight of, opposite to.” In other words, a counterpart. God did not create Eve to be exactly like Adam, but rather as an opposite or counterpart. His other half, so to speak.

God didn’t create two independent beings with no need for each other. He didn’t create Adam and Eve to be complete without each other, but WITH each other! He created two halves of a whole and brought them together. As we read moments ago, “neither is man independent of woman, nor woman independent of man, in the Lord” (1 Cor. 11:11-12).

After God created Eve and brought her to Adam, we read, “And Adam said: ‘This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.’ Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Gen. 2:23-24). Quoting this very passage, Jesus told us, “‘and the two shall become one flesh’; so then they are no longer two, but one flesh” (Mark 10:8).

For this reason, a husband is commanded, “So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church” (Eph. 5:28-29). And in the very next verse, Paul explained that earthly marriage is a type and shadow of our relationship with Jesus Christ: “For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones” (Eph. 5:30).

Seeing, then, that a husband and wife are one flesh, we might ask, Can a man be independent of his own body? Can a woman be independent of her own body? Are we independent of Jesus Christ and His body? Of course not! Why, the very idea is absurd!

In a body, all the members depend on one another and work together as one. Speaking of the body of Christ, the apostle Paul wrote in 1 Cor. 12:12-22,

12 For as the body is one and has many members, but all the members of that one body, being many, are one body, so also is Christ.

13 For by one Spirit we were all baptized into one body — whether Jews or Greeks, whether slaves or free — and have all been made to drink into one Spirit.

14 For in fact the body is not one member but many.

15 If the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I am not of the body,” is it therefore not of the body?

16 And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I am not of the body,” is it therefore not of the body?

17 If the whole body were an eye, where would be the hearing? If the whole were hearing, where would be the smelling?

18 But now God has set the members, each one of them, in the body just as He pleased.

19 And if they were all one member, where would the body be?

20 But now indeed there are many members, yet one body.

21 And the eye cannot say to the hand, “I have no need of you”; nor again the head to the feet, “I have no need of you.”

22 No, much rather, those members of the body which seem to be weaker are necessary.

A husband cannot say to his wife, “I have no need of you,” nor a wife to her husband, “I have no need of you.” They are one flesh!

But notice that each member of a body fulfills a different role. “If the whole body were an eye, where would be the hearing? If the whole were hearing, where would be the smelling?” And so it is with men and women. God created them differently, “male and female He created them,” for different roles. He didn’t create Eve to be just like Adam; He created her to be his opposite, his counterpart.

Men are not more valuable than women, nor women than men; a man’s role is not more important than a woman’s, nor a woman’s than a man’s. “No, much rather, those members of the body which seem to be weaker are necessary.” And indeed, the Bible describes the wife as “the weaker vessel” (1 Pet. 3:7), yet, as we can see here, “those members of the body which seem to be weaker are necessary.”

But though one is no more valuable than the other, they are different. Very different. Let’s take a quick overview of some of the differences between men’s and women’s roles, for this helps to establish the necessity of both.

God-ordained Roles

Anyone with at least one functioning eye can see that there are many differences between men and women. Anyone who has spent more than a few minutes with men and women can tell that there are many differences in how they think, how they process feelings and emotions, and how they interact with the world around them. These differences are good. This is our Creator’s wise design.

Now, if you were to compare two different tools, a hammer and a saw, for example, you would notice the many differences and conclude that they were designed for different purposes. And so it is with men and women.

Let’s start with a quick overview of what the Bible says about men and their role. Volumes could be written about this, but that’s a matter for another time.

God made men to be strong. On his deathbed, King David left his son Solomon with these words: “I go the way of all the earth; be strong, therefore, and prove yourself a man. And keep the charge of the LORD your God: to walk in His ways, to keep His statutes, His commandments, His judgments, and His testimonies, as it is written in the Law of Moses, that you may prosper in all that you do and wherever you turn” (1 Kings 2:2-3).

Many times, the Bible exhorts men to be strong and courageous, to follow the Lord through good times and bad without wavering. Shortly before his death, Moses told the fighting men of Israel, “Be strong, and go in and possess the land” (Deut. 11:8). He also told Joshua, “Be strong and of good courage” (Deut. 31:6, 7), and God told Joshua the same thing (Deut. 31:23; Josh. 1:6, 7, 9). Joshua later repeated the message to the fighting men (Josh. 10:25). And there are many more examples, as a search on BlueLetterBible.org will quickly show.

Again, Solomon wrote, “The glory of young men is their strength, and the splendor of old men is their gray head” (Prov. 20:29). In the apostle John’s first epistle, he explained his reasons for writing, saying, “I have written to you, fathers, because you have known Him who is from the beginning. I have written to you, young men, because you are strong, and the word of God abides in you, and you have overcome the wicked one” (1 John 2:14).

What happens when men fail to be strong and courageous? Well, they’re no longer worthy to be called men. God mocks enemy soldiers by comparing them to women: “The mighty men of Babylon have ceased fighting, they have remained in their strongholds; their might has failed, they became like women; they have burned her dwelling places, the bars of her gate are broken” (Jer. 51:30). There are similar examples in Isa. 19:16 and Jer. 50:37.

Why did God design men to be strong? Because He gave them the role of leaders, providers, and protectors.

Throughout Scripture, both Old and New Testaments, a husband/father is called “the master of the house.” In 1 Tim. 3, the apostle Paul lists qualifications for elders among God’s people, including, “one who rules his own house well, having his children in submission with all reverence (for if a man does not know how to rule his own house, how will he take care of the church of God?)” (vv. 4-5).

What happens when men do not lead as God designed them to do? Well, once again, they’re no longer called men, but instead described as women and children: “As for My people, children are their oppressors, and women rule over them. O My people! Those who lead you cause you to err, and destroy the way of your paths” (Isa. 3:12).

To Adam, God gave the role of toiling in the sun and providing for his family: “Cursed is the ground for your sake; in toil you shall eat of it all the days of your life. In the sweat of your face you shall eat bread till you return to the ground” (Gen. 3:17, 19). God did not say this to Eve, the weaker vessel; He said it to Adam, the one He designed for hard labor!

And if a man doesn’t provide for his household as God commanded? “But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” (1 Tim. 5:8).

Finally, God gave the role of protector to the man, too. Whenever fighting men are mentioned in the Bible, they’re just that: men. God told Moses to take a census of the men of war: “Take a census of all the congregation of the children of Israel, by their families, by their fathers’ houses, according to the number of names, every male individually, from twenty years old and above — all who are able to go to war in Israel. You and Aaron shall number them by their armies” (Num. 1:2-3). In every war in the Bible, it was the Israelite men who did the fighting.

But this role extends beyond physical protection; a man is to lead and protect his family in spiritual matters, too. For example, Num. 30 tells us that if an unmarried woman living in her father’s house made a rash vow to God, her father could annul it and she would be blameless. Likewise, if a married woman made a rash vow, her husband could annul it and she would be blameless.

So what about women and their role?

There’s much that could be written about this, too, but Tit. 2:3-5 offers an excellent summary. Paul urged Titus to teach “the older women likewise, that they be reverent in behavior, not slanderers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things — that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed.”

Basically, God designed women to be domestically inclined, to care for their households above all else. God didn’t design women to bear the weight of the world, or to contend with the pressures of supporting a family. That’s the role of the stronger vessel, not the weaker one. God designed a woman to be nurturing and supportive, to make a house a home as only she can. As Prov. 14:1 tells us, “The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish pulls it down with her hands.”

Again, the apostle Paul wrote, “Therefore I desire that the younger widows marry, bear children, manage the house, give no opportunity to the adversary to speak reproachfully” (1 Tim. 5:14). Similarly, in the Book of Ruth, Naomi expressed her fervent desire that her widowed daughters-in-law remarry: “The LORD grant that you may find rest, each in the house of her husband” (Ruth 1:9).

Throughout the Bible, both Old and New Testaments, we see many examples demonstrating that the unmarried woman remained in her father’s house until marriage, under his leadership, care, and protection. Once a woman was given in marriage, it became her husband’s responsibility to lead, provide for, and protect her. Just as Jesus Christ does for us.

Part of this feminine role is, as we read already in Tit. 2:5, being “obedient to their own husbands.” At least seven times in the New Testament, God commands wives to submit to and obey their husbands (1 Cor. 11:3, 9; 14:34-35; Eph. 5:22; Col. 3:18; 1 Tim. 2:11-14; Tit. 2:5; 1 Pet. 3:1-6). In 1 Pet. 3:5-6, we’re told that all the godly women of old did so: “For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, whose daughters you are if you do good and are not afraid with any terror.”

When Sarah called Abraham her lord (Gen. 18:12; 1 Pet. 3:6), the Hebrew word used is adon (Strong’s # H113), which means “lord” or “master.” It stems from a root word that means “to rule.” In 1 Pet. 3:6, Peter used the Greek word kyrios (Strong’s # G2962), which means “he to whom a person or thing belongs, about which he has the power of deciding; master, lord.”

Even the Hebrew word for “marry,” ba’al (Strong’s # H1166), means “marry, rule over, have dominion over.” This same word also means “to be lord” or “to be a husband.” And throughout Scripture, a bridegroom marries, but a bride is given in marriage. For example, “Take wives and beget sons and daughters; and take wives for your sons and give your daughters to husbands, so that they may bear sons and daughters” (Jer. 29:6).

So God placed husbands in authority over their households, and commanded wives to be submissive to them. In turn, He commanded children to honor and obey both father and mother (Eph. 6:1-4; Col. 3:20). Husbands are to lead, provide for, and protect their families; wives are to be domestically focused, to love their husbands and their children, and to manage the household. God did not make every member of the body the same, but “set the members, each one of them, in the body just as He pleased” (1 Cor. 12:18).

Now, did God give authority to men and make them stronger so that they could run roughshod over women and bully them into submission? No! He gave men the responsibility of caring for women. He commanded husbands to “dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life” (1 Pet. 3:7). Nor is there ANY Scriptural command or precedence for forcing a wife into submission. She must submit to her husband voluntarily, not out of fear, but because she loves, honors, and obeys our Creator.

The Necessity of Both

Does any of this mean that women are inferior to men, that they are less valuable, less intelligent, or less important? Is a woman’s role somehow a lesser role? By no means! “No, much rather, those members of the body which seem to be weaker are necessary” (1 Cor. 12:22).

God gave women a different role, but one that’s just as valuable and important as that of men. Despite what society would have you believe, submitting to her husband doesn’t make a woman less important or less valuable. Our wicked society simply values the wrong things. It values power and greed. To the carnal human mind, greater authority equals greater value. But this is not what God says!

When His disciples disputed with one another over who was the greatest, Jesus said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and those who are great exercise authority over them. Yet it shall not be so among you; but whoever desires to become great among you, let him be your servant” (Mat. 10:25-26). And God warned that any future king of Israel must learn His laws so “that his heart may not be lifted above his brethren” (Deut. 17:20). In the eyes of God, a king has no greater value than the lowliest subject in the kingdom, even though he has more authority!

The truth is, there is no higher calling than being a wife and mother. There may be other callings as great, but none greater. As C.S. Lewis observed, “But it [a housewife’s work] is surely, in reality, the most important work in the world. What do ships, railways, mines, cars, government etc exist for except that people may be fed, warmed, and safe in their own homes? …So [a housewife’s] job is the one for which all others exist.”

Indeed, without women, without families, and without homes, what would a man’s purpose be? What reason would he have for taming the wilderness and building civilizations? And yet without the man to lead, provide for, and protect the family, homemaking wouldn’t be possible. The woman’s role isn’t possible without the man’s, nor is the man’s role needed without the woman’s.

Closing Thoughts

One of Satan’s primary goals is to destroy the family, and we see his handiwork in society all around us. The so-called war between the sexes is simply the result of Satan the devil fanning the flames of carnal human nature. The push for men and women to be independent of one another, to usurp one another’s unique and God-given roles, is part of Satan’s effort to destroy the family and, with it, humanity as a whole.

Trying to subvert, overthrow, or skirt around God's design never yields happy results for anyone. Men make terrible women, and women make terrible men, leaving both unfulfilled. Feminists and so-called “red pill” men — two sides of the same coin — are some of the bitterest and most miserable people you will ever meet. Women’s push for independence from men, and men’s push for independence from women, has caused an epidemic of loneliness, misery, and despair. Shocking, I know! Who could’ve foreseen that rejecting our Creator’s design would yield unhappy results, that it would make everyone’s life worse and not better?

Who do we, as human beings, think we are? Who are we to question our Creator’s design? “Woe to him who strives with his Maker! Let the potsherd strive with the potsherds of the earth! Shall the clay say to him who forms it, ‘What are you making?’ Or shall your handiwork say, ‘He has no hands’? Woe to him who says to his father, ‘What are you begetting?’ Or to the woman, ‘What have you brought forth?’” (Isa. 45:9-10).

Ladies, God didn’t make a mistake when He made you. It’s okay to be feminine. It’s okay to want a husband who loves you, provides for you, and leads your family.

Men, God didn’t make a mistake when He made you. It’s okay to be masculine. It’s okay to want a wife who loves you, submits to you, and nurtures your children.

God did not design human beings — ANY of them — to be independent. He did not design us to be loners. He did not design us to be complete within ourselves. He designed us to need Him and to need other people. That hole in each person’s heart is there for a reason. No one can fill it on his or her own. It’s meant to be filled first by God, then by a family. 

“A father of the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in His holy habitation. God sets the solitary in families; He brings out those who are bound into prosperity; but the rebellious dwell in a dry land” (Psa. 68:5-6).

Now, throughout history there have been people who did not, or could not, get married. Who devoted themselves solely to the service of our great Creator. Nevertheless, they were not independent. They were not loners. God provided a spiritual family for them. Jesus Christ, when He was on this earth, was not a loner. Nor was Jeremiah the prophet, Daniel, Paul, or any others. They all had spiritual family, a brotherhood of fellow saints.

The exceptions notwithstanding, God’s purpose for most of His people has always been to get married and raise up Godly offspring (Mal. 2:15). To “be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth” (Gen. 9:1, 7; 1:28; 8:17; 35:11).

Which raises a question. What about 1 Corinthians 7? Are there circumstances in which it’s better not to marry? If so, what are they?

We plan to publish an examination of this matter shortly. Stay tuned!