Love or War -- Which Will It Be?
Guest commentary by Richard Gray
Many marriages that do not end in divorce are not really the happy, harmonious marriages that they should be. Why do so many marriages fail, or are mediocre at best? What happened to the love, or maybe it was just plain lust, that brought the couple together? Real love does not fade away, but lust does. Lust is an emotional response that creates blindness to reality, and the couple never really gets to know one another before they get married, and then they end up suffering from “buyer’s remorse.”
Too many are willing to discard the marriage vows they took at the drop of a hat. The negative effects it has on the children, and others, does not seem to matter. After all, the children do not need a stable home with both parents. In their minds it is more important to put their own selfish desires ahead of their children.
There is no room for selfishness within the marriage. “Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others” (Phil. 2:3, 4, NKJV). This is an absolute necessity in marriage. The husband and the wife must look out for the best interests of their mate and their children—not just their own selfish desires!
In other words, “...by love serve one another. For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this; Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. But if ye bite [1143, to wound the soul, cut, lacerate, rend with reproaches] and devour [2719, to ruin, injure, destroy] one another, take heed that ye be not consumed one of another” (Gal. 5:13-15). These are the two ways of life. You are either a destroyer or a builder.
Marriage is likened to building a house. “Through wisdom is a house built; and by understanding it is established [3559, to be firm, stable, secure]: And by knowledge shall the chambers be filled with all precious and pleasant riches” (Prov. 24:3, 4). Building your house requires instruction from the Word of God. “For the LORD giveth wisdom: out of his mouth cometh knowledge and understanding” (Prov. 2:6).
Therefore, “Be ye not unequally yoked together [2086, unevenly matched, i.e. having different values, priorities] with unbelievers…” (2 Cor. 6:14). A basic principle is this: “Can two walk together [3162, be unified, become one], except they be agreed?” (Amos 3:3). No, they cannot! If you are not of the same mind, the result will be a rickety, tumbledown shack built on sand instead of a stable house built on a firm foundation.
God’s Ordained Order of Marriage
To
reach its highest potential, marriage must follow God’s ordained order that He
clearly delineates in His Word. Order means, “to arrange according to a particular plan.” A plan is “a method for accomplishing an objective.”
In this case the objective is a sound marriage with each partner fulfilling his or her specific God-given roles!
On the sixth
day God created the man. “And the LORD God took the man, and put him into the
Garden of Eden to dress [5647, to
serve, to work] it and to keep [8104, guard, protect, have charge of] it” (Gen. 2:15).
The man was created before
the woman and was placed in the Garden, and given the responsibility of
working it and protecting it.
“And
the LORD God said, It is not
good that the man should be alone; I will make him a help [5828, one who helps] meet [5048, in front of, opposite to] for him”
(Genesis 2:18). A helper is not the leader, but one who helps. Some synonyms
are “aid, apprentice, assistant, deputy,
and helpmate.” The woman was created to be the man’s helper — not his boss!
Opposite
means “being the other of a matching or
contrasting pair.” Contrast means: “to
show differences when compared” (Webster’s).
There are obvious inherent physiological and psychological differences between
men and women. This is not rocket science! You are either a male or a
female at birth, and that cannot be changed. The numerous differences between
male and female are there because men and women were designed by Almighty God
to fulfill different roles within the
family!
Some characteristics that are associated with masculinity
are independence, self-reliance, aggressiveness, focus and leadership. Some
feminine characteristics are being emotional, dependent, nurturing, helpful, sensitive to the needs of others,
and gentle. As adults, females
tend to be much better multi-taskers then men, which makes them well
suited for being homemakers, since homemaking often involves numerous things
taking place at the same time. Men are generally better in highly focused
projects; therefore real men do not
make very good house husbands.
“And the LORD
God caused a deep
sleep to fall upon Adam, and
he slept: and he took one of his
ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; And the rib, which the LORD God
had taken from man, made He a woman, and brought
her to the man” (Gen. 2:21, 22).
The man was
not taken to the woman, but the woman was brought to the man. She was given to
the man as a gift; therefore the woman belonged to the man. In our culture the
woman takes the surname of her husband, which shows that she belongs to him.
“And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called
Woman, because she was taken out
of Man” (v. 23).
This
is the same pattern as the Messiah and the bride, “For we are members of His
body, of His flesh, and of His bones” (Eph. 5:30). We belong to Him because He
purchased us. The man “…is the image
[1504, likeness, representation] and glory
[1319, inherent, intrinsic worth] of
God: but the woman is the glory [1319] of the man. For the man is not of
the woman; but the woman of the man. Nor
was man created for the woman, but woman for the man” (1 Cor. 11:7-9).
God’s
ordained order of marriage is this: “But I would have you know, that the head [2776, one to whom others are subordinate] of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the
head of Christ is God” (1 Cor. 11:3).
This is the
Biblically ordained order of marriage that was established by our Creator from
the very beginning, and it has not changed. The man is to be the head of his
family, under the authority of Jesus Christ, and the wife is to be under the
authority of her husband.
“Therefore
shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife:
and they shall be one flesh” (Gen. 2:21-24). Therfore “Let the husband render
unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise
also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body,
but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body,
but the wife. Defraud [650, deprive,
withhold what rightfully belongs to another] ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time…” 1 Cor.
7:3-5).
The man is to leave his father and
mother to become the head of his own family! The woman, who is under the
authority and protection of her father, will leave her family to come under the
authority and the protection of her husband. This is revealed in the wedding
ceremony when the father of the bride hands her off to the bridegroom.
On the
spiritual level, we must be willing to leave our family to become one with
Christ our Bridegroom. “He that loves father or mother more than [5228, above,
over] Me is not worthy of Me:
and he that loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me” (Mt. 10:37).
Likewise, in
a marriage you must love your mate more than your own family. If your family is
more important to you than the person you intend to marry, then do not get married! If it even lasts it is not going to be a
happy marriage. The wife is supposed to follow her husband, not her family from
which she came. If she can’t handle being separated from mommy and daddy, then
she is obviously too immature for marriage.
“Wives,
submit [#5293] yourselves to your own husbands, as to the
Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is
the head of the congregation: and He is the savior of the body. Therefore
as the congregation is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything”
(Eph. 5:21-24).
Strong’s #5293, hypotássō,
“to place or arrange under. It is from #5259 /hypó, “under,”
and #5021/tássō, “to arrange in an
orderly manner.”
The
opposite of order is chaos and confusion. There
cannot be two heads of the same family without creating confusion and disorder
within the family! The man did not appoint himself to head the family—God
did! Likewise, God appointed the woman to be subject to her husband, not to
rule over him.
“But
I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority [831, one who acts on his own authority,
autocratic] over the man, but to be in silence [2271, a quiet, tranquil life ]. For Adam was
first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being
deceived [1818, seduced, hoodwinked
into an illusion] was in the transgression. Notwithstanding she shall be
saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with
sobriety” (1 Tim. 2:12-15).
Eve usurped her
husband’s authority by eating the forbidden fruit, and that turned out well, didn’t it? Because of Eve’s action God said, “I will greatly
multiply thy sorrow [6093, toil, pain] and
thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire [8669, a
longing] shall be to thy husband,
and he shall rule over thee” (Gen.
3:16).
Adam
was not deceived, but his mistake was
obeying the words of his wife instead of the Word of God. “And unto Adam He said, Because thou hast hearkened [8085, to hear with attention, or obedience] unto the voice of
thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree,
of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the
ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it
all the days of thy life” (Gen. 3:17).
When men do not properly exercise
their role as the head
of the family, a vacuum
in leadership is created that must be filled. Women are
filling the vacuum and the family is being turned upside down and destroyed.
“As for My people, children are their oppressors
[5065, press, harass, to drive],
and women rule [4910, to rule, have dominion, to reign] over them. O My people, they which lead you cause you to err
[8582, to go astray, to wander], and destroy the way of your paths”
(Isaiah 3:12).
God
set the order in marriage, and “…God is not of confusion [181, instability, a state of disorder,
disturbance], but of peace [1515, harmony, concord, tranquility] …” (1 Cor. 14:33). Therefore the
husband is to “…love his wife even as
himself; and the wife see that she reverence [5399, respect] her husband” (Eph. 5:33).
If love and
respect are in the marriage, then there will be peace and harmony in building
their house instead of conflict and war that will destroy their house, or at
the very least turn it into a ramshackle dump that no one enjoys.
The Role of the Husband
As the head of
his family, the husband is not to be a tyrant or a bully. He is “not given to
drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. He
must manage his own family well and
see that his children obey him, and he must do so in
a manner worthy of full respect” (1 Tim. 3:4, NIV). These
are the qualifications of an elder in the congregation, and they are also
applicable to a husband who oversees his own family.
As we covered
previously, there are many differences between male and female that can lead to
misunderstandings. Marriage is a learning process that is gained by experience.
“Likewise
you husbands, dwell with them according
to knowledge [1108, knowledge
gained from first-hand experience],
giving honor [5092, a valuing, a
price] unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life;
that your prayers be not
hindered” (1 Peter 3:7).
A woman goes
through many emotional and physical changes during her life due to her hormonal changes as a result of her
monthly cycle, pregnancy, childbirth, nursing a baby, empty nest syndrome, and
eventually menopause. These changes can result in varying degrees of emotional
responses that the husband must learn to be understanding of, and not get
angry.
“Husbands,
love [#25] your wives,
and be not bitter [4087, bitter, harsh, angry] against them”
(Col. 3:19). Strong’s #25 means, to love, value, to have a preference for,
regard the welfare of, manifest liberal concern for, be faithful towards, to delight in. Love, “It is not rude,
it is not self- seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no account of
wrongs” (1 Cor. 13:5, Majority Standard
Bible). Love does not dwell on the negatives.
However, loving
his wife does not mean the husband has to give in to her every whim to show his
love. Some women have been known to use real or imagined problems to get their
own way. It is like children who quickly learn how to control their parents through
whining and crying. A woman who uses such tactics is not behaving as a godly
woman should. The husband must learn to be discerning in these matters and be
firm in his God-given leadership role.
“So
ought men to love their wives as
their own bodies. He that loves his
wife loves himself. For no one ever
hated his own flesh, but nourishes [1625, to promote health and strength, to bring up, educate], and cherishes [2282, to impart warmth,
foster with tender care] it, just as the
Lord does the congregation” (Eph.
5:28, 29).
Nourish
means: 1. to feed or sustain with
substances necessary to life and growth. 2. to stimulate; foster;
develop; support (a feeling, attitude, habit, etc.). Nourishing involves
both physical and spiritual development.
It is the
husband’s responsibility to teach his family the Word of God, for “… man doth
not live by bread only, but by every word
that proceeds out of the mouth of the LORD doth man live” (Deut. 8:3). You
shall teach the Word “…when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when
you rise up” (Deut. 6:7).
Instruction
takes place at all times. You teach not just by reading the Word, “But be ye doers of the word, and not
hearers only, deceiving your own selves” (James 1:22). How the husband treats
his wife and how the wife treats her husband are the examples you set—either
good or bad—that teach the children.
It is the
husband’s responsibility—not his wife’s responsibility—to provide
for the family. “But if any provide [4306, look out for beforehand] not for his
own, and especially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and
is worse than an infidel” (1 Tim. 5:8). This is another example by which the
children are being taught the proper roles in marriage.
In the Garden
Adam was told, “…to dress [5647, to
serve, to work] it and to keep [8104, guard, protect, have charge of] it” (Gen. 2:15). When they were put
out of the Garden Adam was told, “In the sweat of your face shall you eat
bread…” (v.19). It does not say “by the sweat of Eve’s face shall you eat
bread.” The man was created physically stronger to do the work that was needed
to provide for the family. Just because technology has created many jobs
that women can do does not change the fact that the man is to be the provider
for the family.
However, too many
men are refusing to take on their responsibility as the sole breadwinner, and
want their wives to work away from home, or maybe the wife might insist on
working away from home. This
can have many detrimental effects
on the marriage. Having her own income can make the wife more
independent, and thus less dependent on her husband. That weakens the husband’s
role as the head of the family.
Sometimes a
working couple will work different shifts so that one of them will be home with the children, but the
parents seldom have the time for one another that they need. Or a husband may
work away from home for days or weeks at a time. Can a man properly lead his
family when he is seldom at home? No! Neither
can a husband and wife build a strong healthy relationship and a successful
marriage without being together!
Marriage is not
about having more things. It is about the relationship between husband and wife
and their children. Having more income often leads to having more debt, e.g. a
bigger house that you really do not
need, and more credit card debt to fill the house with toys that
you do not need, which leads to stress and squabbles over money that can ruin
the marriage.
“Better is little with the fear of the LORD than
great treasure and trouble therewith” (Prov. 15:16). Therefore, “Keep your life
free from love of money, and be content
with what you have, for He has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake
you’” (Heb. 13:5 ESV).
Be content and
do not live beyond your means. “But
godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into this world, and
it is certain we can carry
nothing out, and having food and
raiment let us be therewith content” (1 Tim. 6:6-8).
Since it is the
man’s responsibility to support his family, then he should be gainfully
employed before he marries, and have ample income to provide a place to live,
savings for emergencies, and the things that a newly married couple may need.
Pay off any debts that you may have accumulated beforehand. The only acceptable
debt would be on real estate because it generally increases in value, and most
cannot afford to pay cash for a house.
If a man takes
care of these things before he is
married then, his wife will have no need to work outside of the home after they
are married.
The Role of the Wife
The role of the wife in
a successful marriage is every bit as important
as her husband’s, but it is a different role. The wife has a great
responsibility as a bearer of children, and managing the household under the authority of her husband. “I
will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house [3616,
to occupy one’s self in the management of
a household], give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully”
(1 Tim. 5:14).
Bearing children
is one of the primary purposes of
marriage, for God seeks godly offspring (Mal. 2:15). There is no greater opportunity for a woman than to
be able to help teach and raise her children into moral, upstanding, healthy
adults that will carry on the next generation. That is a benefit to society
that is far beyond any other career opportunity that a woman could possibly have.
Let us consider some of the things that a housewife might
do: preparing healthy meals; canning, freezing, and drying foods; grocery
shopping; cleaning and decorating the house; washing, folding, ironing and
putting away laundry; training the children (including disciplining, settling
disputes, teaching, and doctoring them); running errands; keeping track of the
family’s finances and paying bills; being a seamstress; gardening; etc.
These are not just menial tasks, as society would have
you think. They have a great deal of positive influence on the physical and
spiritual development and health of the family, and the culture in which we
live.
Having a clean house to live in, instead of filth and
trash, and having clean clothes instead of filthy rags to wear, have a positive
influence on the family. Decorating a home can make it feel warm and inviting
instead of stark, cold, and uninviting. A home should be a place of refuge that
the whole family and visitors can
enjoy. Taking the time to cook meals
from scratch using actual food like
fresh vegetables, fruit, whole grains, and meats, instead of sugary
factory-made junk food, will have a positive impact on the family’s physical
and mental health.
A wife that does these things, “…looks well to the ways
of her household, and eats not the bread of idleness. Her children arise up,
and call her blessed; her husband also,
and he praises her….” (Prov. 31:27, 28). This is a wife that shows love to her
family—not just by words, but by her actions.
Being a homemaker requires a great deal of knowledge and skill;
therefore the older women are to “…teach the young women to be sober [4994, balanced, steady], to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet [4998, self-controlled], chaste, keepers at home [3626, keeping at home and taking care of household affairs], good, obedient [5293,
to place or rank under]
to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed
[987, to slander, hence to speak lightly or profanely of
sacred things]” (Titus 2:5).
A woman that does these things is a good wife. “Whoso finds
a wife finds a good thing, and
obtains favor of the LORD” (Prov. 18:22). Some codices, Aram., Sept., Syr., and
Vulg. read “a good wife.”
Not every wife is a good wife. “Every wise woman builds her house: but the foolish plucks it down with her hands” (Prov. 14:1). Where is a wise wife to be found? “…[A] prudent
wife is from the LORD”
(Prov. 19:14). To be prudent is to “have
wisdom, skill, expertise, be intelligent, shrewd in management of practical
affairs, frugal” (Webster’s
Dictionary & Thesaurus).
Unlike the
foolish wife, a prudent wife builds her house. She is intelligent, has wisdom,
and is a woman who is very good at handling household affairs. Note that she is
frugal, which is, “characterized by or
reflecting economy in the use of resources” (Webster’s). This description fits the virtuous woman.
“Who can find a virtuous [2428, uprightness, integrity, strength, fitness] woman? For her price
is far above rubies. The heart of her husband safely trusts her; so that he shall have no lack of gain” (Prov. 31:10, 11). She
is not a high maintenance, wasteful woman who squanders what her husband
provides, and accumulates debt. On the contrary, she manages and cares for the
resources that her husband provides exceedingly well, so that he has no lack of
gain.
The virtuous wife
is not a self-centered wife, who is seeking her own selfish ways to the
detriment of her husband, but “She will do him good and not evil all the days
of her life” (v.12). She never runs her husband down in the eyes of her
children or anyone else.
The
godly woman has “…a meek and quiet [2272, quiet, tranquil, peaceful] spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price” (1 Peter
3:4). This is the opposite of a foolish woman. “A foolish woman is clamorous
[1993, loud, to murmur, growl, roar, be
boisterous]: she is undisciplined
and knows nothing” (Proverbs 9:13). The foolish woman will destroy her house by her constant complaining and arguing. “…[T]he contentions
[4079, brawling, strife] of a wife are a continual dripping” (Prov. 19:13). The Geneva Bible comments thus on this
verse, “As rain that droppeth and rotteth
the house.”
A contentious
woman is not humble, but is full of pride. “Only by pride cometh contention [4683, debate,
strife]: but with the well advised is wisdom” (Prov. 13:10). Therefore, “…if
ye have bitter envying and strife in your hearts, glory not, and lie not against the truth. This wisdom descends not from
above, but is earthly, sensual,
devilish” (Jam. 3:14, 15). True wisdom comes down from above, and “…is first
pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy
to be entreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without
hypocrisy” (v. 17).
Even if a wife
has a husband who is an unbeliever, note how she is to behave. “Likewise, ye
wives, be in subjection
[5293, to place or rank under, to
subject, mid. to obey] to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the
word, they also may without the word be won by the conduct of the wives; While
they behold your chaste conduct coupled with fear [5401, reverence, respect]” (1 Peter 3:1, 2).
(Obviously a wife does not have to obey her husband if by doing so she would be breaking God’s law.)
It
is not by being contentious that a
wife may win her husband over, for “It is better to dwell in a corner of the
housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house” (Prov. 21:9). Instead,
“…let it be the hidden woman of the heart, in that which is not corruptible,
even the
ornament of a
meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great
price. For after this
manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto
their own husbands: Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose
daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement
[4423 from 4422, excitement, caused by
any emotion, but especially by fear]” (1 Peter 3:4-6).
Conclusion: Marriage between a man and
a woman can be a time of love, joy, peace, and harmony, or it can be a time of
never ending battles. As the saying goes, “It takes two to tango.” On the
negative side, it takes two to fight and tear down, or on the positive side, it
takes two to cooperate and build up.
No husband is
perfect, and no wife is perfect. Do not dwell on the negative traits, but on
the positive traits. When you dwell on the negative, all you are doing is
feeding it, and causing it to grow until it destroys you. By focusing on the positive, you are building up. Marriage is all about building your house, not tearing it
down and destroying it.
Life is too short
to spend it fighting. “Go, eat your bread with joy, and drink your wine with a
cheerful heart, for God has already approved your works: Let your garments
always be white, and never spare the
oil for your head. Enjoy life with your beloved wife all the days of the
fleeting life that God has given
you under the sun—all your fleeting days. For this is your portion
in life and in your labor under the sun” (Eccl. 9:7-9, Majority Standard
Bible).
“See that
none render evil for evil unto
any; but ever follow that which is good, both among your
selves, and to all. Rejoice evermore.
Pray without ceasing. In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God in
Christ Jesus concerning you” (1 Thess. 5:15-18). Enjoy love—not war!
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