Beware the Nagging Nitpicker!

 A man once told me, “Job died thousands of years ago, but his friends are alive and well to this day.”

God recognized Job as the most righteous man on earth, “a blameless and upright man” who feared God and shunned evil (Job 1:8; 2:3). But He wanted to see what this man was really made of, so He allowed Satan to put Job through a wringer of adversity. In the midst of his affliction, Job’s three friends showed up to comfort him (Job 2:11).

Rather than comforting him, however, they added to his affliction. Job must have sinned some terrible sin, they said, or else he wouldn’t be suffering. Job knew of no evil he’d done, nor could his friends tell him what his sin was , but they assured him he was an evil man who deserved all his suffering. They picked Job’s life apart, trying to find something, anything, that he might’ve done to deserve God’s punishment.

Have you ever had friends like this? Known people like this?

We probably all know nitpickers who live to tear others down. They stick their noses in other people’s business, scrutinize them with a magnifying glass, and search for flaws. Upon finding flaws, real or imagined, they begin chirping and offering unsolicited advice. Should their unsolicited advice be ignored, they resort to nagging.

To the nagging nitpicker, his opinion is always wise, and his advice should always be followed. This attitude in Job’s friends prompted his sarcastic retort, “No doubt you are the people, and wisdom will die with you! But I have understanding as well as you; I am not inferior to you” (Job 12:2-3).

When someone falls on hard times, suffers health problems, or endures some loss, there’s a nitpicker standing ready to point the finger. When someone stumbles and falls, the nitpicker is there to kick him in the ribs. If a man, discouraged and drowning in his troubles, sticks his head above the water to gasp for air, the nitpicker is there, not to offer encouragement or a helping hand, but to add to his burden and push his head back under water.

Nitpickers give little thought to encouraging or building up others; they’d much rather criticize. They focus, not on the good in others, but on what they perceive to be bad.

Now, there IS a proper time and place to correct or rebuke someone. As King Solomon wrote in Eccl. 3:1, “To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven.”

So how do we avoid being like Job’s friends? When is it necessary to correct someone else? How should a rebuke be delivered? And how should we handle being rebuked or corrected?

Let’s begin by looking at what we should NOT do. Here’s what God’s Word says about nitpickers and nags.

What’s God’s View of Nitpickers?

Job wasn’t perfect, of course, which he finally admitted after God spoke to him and corrected him. He had been “righteous in his own eyes” (Job 32:1), and now he repented before God “in dust and ashes” (Job 42:6).

But God was angry with Job’s three friends, Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar. “They had found no answer, and yet had condemned Job” (Job 32:3). In Job 42:7-8, we find,

7 And so it was, after the LORD had spoken these words to Job, that the LORD said to Eliphaz the Temanite, “My wrath is aroused against you and your two friends, for you have not spoken of Me what is right, as My servant Job has.

8 Now therefore, take for yourselves seven bulls and seven rams, go to My servant Job, and offer up for yourselves a burnt offering; and My servant Job shall pray for you. For I will accept him, lest I deal with you according to your folly; because you have not spoken of Me what is right, as My servant Job has.”

Job’s friends, who condemned him without cause, had to humble themselves and repent before both God and Job!

The Almighty isn’t pleased with nitpickers. We all have our own sins and faults to overcome; we shouldn’t be quick to point fingers and scrutinize others.

As our Savior admonished in Mat. 7:3-5, “Why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.’”

Remember, God is exceedingly patient and merciful with us; He doesn’t pounce on us and strike us down whenever we step off the path. As we read in Psa. 103:10, “He has not dealt with us according to our sins, nor punished us according to our iniquities.” And again in Psa. 130:3, “If You, LORD, should mark iniquities, O Lord, who could stand?”

We owe our lives to God’s mercy. If we want Him to be merciful to us, then we must be merciful to others. Yeshua/Jesus warned us, “For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you” (Mat. 7:2).

In the same vein, Rom. 14:4 says, “Who are you to judge another’s servant? To his own master he stands or falls. Indeed, he will be made to stand, for God is able to make him stand.”

Each of us will answer to God for our actions, including the judgments we make. Therefore, “Do not judge according to appearance, but judge with righteous judgment” (John 7:24).

“Judge with righteous judgment.” That doesn’t imply we should never judge, does it? Not at all. “Hate evil, love good” (Amos 5:15). We must judge between right and wrong. We must hate and condemn wickedness.

But Job’s friends judged him neither righteously nor wisely. They assumed that, because Job had fallen on hard times, he must’ve committed some terrible sin. They condemned him and rebuked him without any basis. That was foolish.

In John 9:1-3, we find, “Now as Jesus passed by, He saw a man who was blind from birth. And His disciples asked Him, saying, ‘Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?’ Jesus answered, ‘Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but that the works of God should be revealed in him.’”

Again, in Luke 13:1-5, we read,

1 There were present at that season some who told Him about the Galileans whose blood Pilate had mingled with their sacrifices.

2 And Jesus answered and said to them, “Do you suppose that these Galileans were worse sinners than all other Galileans, because they suffered such things?

3 “I tell you, no; but unless you repent you will all likewise perish.

4 “Or those eighteen on whom the tower in Siloam fell and killed them, do you think that they were worse sinners than all other men who dwelt in Jerusalem?

5 “I tell you, no; but unless you repent you will all likewise perish.”

It’s human nature to make unfounded judgments and assumptions, to condemn others for things we know nothing about, and to examine others when we ought to be examining ourselves.

Acting on these carnal instincts, nitpickers often blurt out irrelevant and foolish correction or advice. Yet when they see their advice rejected, they can’t understand why. Rather than reevaluating, or simply minding their own business, nitpickers begin nagging and haranguing.

Are God’s people supposed to be nags? Prov. 27:15-16 tells us, “A continual dripping on a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike; whoever restrains her restrains the wind, and grasps oil with his right hand.”

Keep in mind that, though this passage and others speak of women, they apply to men, too. The drip-drip-drip of endless nagging is no less irritating from a man than from a woman!

Again, God’s Word tells us, “Better to dwell in a corner of a housetop, than in a house shared with a contentious woman” (Prov. 21:9). A few verses later, “Better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and angry woman” (Prov. 21:19). And finally, “Better is a dry morsel with quietness, than a house full of feasting with strife” (Prov. 17:1).

Working on any project with a nagging nitpicker, or living with one, can be like trying to swim with an anchor tied around one’s neck. Remember that Delilah destroyed Samson partly by nagging him day after day and breaking his spirit “so that his soul was vexed to death” (Judg. 16:16).

It should be obvious by now that we shouldn’t be nitpickers. God doesn’t nitpick us. He doesn’t stand over us, waiting for us to make a mistake so that He can smite us. If we’re developing His character, as we ought to be, then we shouldn’t treat others that way.

We have too many of our own faults to work on to be concerned with minor faults in others. We shouldn’t be quick to criticize or offer unsolicited advice, but as Jam. 1:19-20 tells us, “Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.”

Nitpickers don’t help; they burden. They don’t build up, but tear down. Remember Jesus’ stern warning in Mark 9:42: “But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were thrown into the sea.”

Minding Our Own Business

What does God's Word tell us to do instead of nitpicking others, sticking our noses in their business, and spewing out unsolicited advice?

It tells us to mind our own business, and warns of punishment for busybodies. In 1 Pet. 4:15, we find, “But let none of you suffer as a murderer, a thief, an evildoer, or as a busybody in other people's matters.”

2 Thes. 3:11-12 adds, “For we hear that there are some who walk among you in a disorderly manner, not working at all, but are busybodies. Now those who are such we command and exhort through our Lord Jesus Christ that they work in quietness and eat their own bread.”

Finally, we read in 1 Thes. 4:10-12, “But we urge you, brethren, that you increase more and more; that you also aspire to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business, and to work with your own hands, as we commanded you, that you may walk properly toward those who are outside, and that you may lack nothing.”

Sticking our noses where they don’t belong is not only sinful, but also foolish. As Solomon wrote in Prov. 26:17, “He who passes by and meddles in a quarrel not his own is like one who takes a dog by the ears.”

Therefore, Rom. 12:18 tells us, “If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.”

What would drive us to meddle in other people’s lives, offer unsolicited advice, and nag when our advice isn’t followed? Pride and arrogance! It’s human nature to think ourselves full of indispensable wisdom that everyone needs to hear and follow.

The Apostle Paul wrote in Rom. 12:3, “For I say, through the grace given to me, to everyone who is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think soberly, as God has dealt to each one a measure of faith.”

Prov. 26:12 observes, “Do you see a man wise in his own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for him.” And again, in Rom. 12:16, we find, “Do not be wise in your own opinion.”

Because of pride, nitpickers and busybodies don’t respect others. They think themselves superior. Yet 1 Pet. 2:17 tells us, “Honor all people,” and Phil. 2:3 adds, “Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.”

Let’s remember that God doesn’t call us to mold and shape other people. He’s the potter, not us. “But now, O LORD, You are our Father; we are the clay, and You our potter; and all we are the work of Your hand” (Isa. 64:8). “One is your Teacher, the Christ, and you are all brethren” (Mat. 23:8).

Yes, God’s Word often instructs us to accept correction and rebuke cheerfully, as we’ll see later. It does not, however, say that we should be eager and cheerful to dish it out! Huge difference.

Does this mean we can NEVER offer advice without being asked? No. Again, there’s a time and place for everything. More on that later. But our default position should be to mind our own business.

Encourage and Build Up

In Prov. 14:1, King Solomon observed, “The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish pulls it down with her hands.” As before, this applies to both men and women; both can pull down their own houses.

How does one tear down one’s house? By tearing down the members of it. By quarreling, nitpicking, and nagging. “Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation, and every city or house divided against itself will not stand” (Mat. 12:25).

The wise, then, do not tear down their own houses. Rather than being quick to criticize, they’re quick to help and encourage. As followers of Christ, we should lift one another’s burdens rather than adding to them, help one another rather than tearing each other down.

As the Apostle Paul wrote in Gal. 6:1-2, “Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”

Again, Col. 3:12-13 commands, “Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.”

In Acts 20:35, Paul reminded the elders of the Ephesian congregation, “I have shown you in every way, by laboring like this, that you must support the weak.”

The Book of Acts mentions at least four times that the apostles encouraged their fellow brethren (Acts 11:23; 16:40; 20:2; 27:36). They followed the instruction found in 1 Thes. 5:11: “Therefore comfort each other and edify one another, just as you also are doing.”

When God appointed Joshua as Moses’ successor, He instructed Moses, “But command Joshua, and encourage him and strengthen him” (Deut. 3:28). But if that wasn’t enough, God Himself encouraged Joshua, saying, “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go” (Josh. 1:9).

Jesus Christ, our Shepherd, came “to seek and to save that which was lost” (Luke 19:10). He came to “seek what was lost and bring back what was driven away, bind up the broken and strengthen what was sick” (Ezek. 34:16).

If God, the Creator and Ruler of all, can strengthen and encourage, then surely it’s not beneath us to do the same! If He seeks those who are lost, strengthens the sick, and encourages the weak, then we ought to do the same for our fellow brethren.

When to Correct

We’ve now seen that, under normal circumstances, we should mind our own business, honor others as ourselves, and encourage rather than nitpick. Courtesy should be our calling card (1 Pet. 3:8).

If someone asks for our advice, we can certainly give it. On occasion, it may be appropriate to offer advice without being asked, but that depends on the situation and the nature of your relationship with that person.

We’re also free to disagree with others and present our own views, though we should avoid quarrels and foolish disputes (2 TIm. 2:23-24). No one has a right to be “protected” from disagreement. To the best of my knowledge, no one has yet died from hearing an opinion he didn’t like!

So when should we rebuke someone else? When should we correct without being asked?

Jesus instructed us in Luke 17:3, “Take heed to yourselves. If your brother sins against you, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him.”

Note the key word “sins.” Rebuke your brother, not if he annoys you, not if he inconveniences you, not if he fails to follow your advice, but if he SINS against you.

As for stern rebuke and righteous anger, those are reserved for serious sins, not for your spouse who squeezed the toothpaste tube in the wrong spot. Christ drove the money-changers out of the temple with a whip; Nehemiah struck, cursed, and pulled out the hair of those who married idolaters (Neh. 13:23-27), and threatened to do the same to Sabbath-breakers (Neh. 13:17-22); and Paul rebuked the Corinthians on several matters. In each case, they unleashed righteous anger at very serious sins!

Throughout God’s Word, His apostles and prophets both corrected and encouraged. What did they correct and rebuke? Serious sins, such as idolatry, sexual immorality, drunkenness, perverting justice, twisting God’s Word, and breaking the Sabbath.

How to Correct

So, let’s suppose that someone has sinned against us, is committing a serious sin, or is following a foolish and harmful course of action. If we need to give correction or rebuke, how should we proceed?

First of all, let’s not just blurt out whatever pops into our heads, but give thought to what we’re about to say before we say it! Prov. 29:11 tells us, “A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back.” And again in Prov. 10:19, “In the multitude of words sin is not lacking, but he who restrains his lips is wise.”

Remember that the purpose of rebuke is to turn someone from sin, or from an incredibly foolish and harmful path. The purpose isn’t correction for the sake of correction, it isn’t to vent our feelings, it isn’t to demonstrate how wise we are; it’s for that person’s own good. Eph. 4:15 tells us to speak “the truth in love.”

There are those who pride themselves on being blunt and abrasive. They call themselves truth-tellers and assert that others can’t handle the truth, but in reality, they simply tend to be thoughtless and rude. As the saying goes, “It’s a dangerous thing to mistake speaking without thought for speaking the truth.” Remember, as Job’s three friends discovered, improper rebuke calls judgment down upon our own heads.

So let’s not speak without thought, but consider and pray about our words ahead of time. In the Book of Nehemiah, the people came to Nehemiah and complained that the nobles and rulers were extorting them and seizing their land. How did Nehemiah react?

“And I became very angry when I heard their outcry and these words. After serious thought, I rebuked the nobles and rulers, and said to them, ‘Each of you is exacting usury from his brother.’ So I called a great assembly against them” (Neh. 5:6-7). Though filled with righteous anger, Nehemiah didn’t react thoughtlessly. He carefully considered the matter before acting, just as we should.

Secondly, rebuke doesn’t always need to be harsh. Sometimes it does. Not every situation — or person — calls for the same approach. To him who only has a hammer, every problem looks like a nail. Imagine the futility and needless damage of trying to cut a board with a hammer!

If possible, we should first approach correction tactfully and kindly. As Solomon wrote in Prov. 15:1, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

The Apostle Paul instructed in 2 Tim. 2:24-26,

24 And a servant of the Lord must not quarrel but be gentle to all, able to teach, patient,

25 in humility correcting those who are in opposition, if God perhaps will grant them repentance, so that they may know the truth,

26 and that they may come to their senses and escape the snare of the devil, having been taken captive by him to do his will.

Correcting someone isn’t an opportunity to exalt ourselves. We have no business being pompous, haughty, or condescending.

If it’s possible to correct someone, to turn him from the path of destruction back to God’s way, in a kind and tactful manner, then we should do so. If it’s not possible, additional steps must be taken.

In Tit. 1:10-14, Paul addressed just such a situation:

10 For there are many insubordinate, both idle talkers and deceivers, especially those of the circumcision,

11 whose mouths must be stopped, who subvert whole households, teaching things which they ought not, for the sake of dishonest gain.

12 One of them, a prophet of their own, said, “Cretans are always liars, evil beasts, lazy gluttons.”

13 This testimony is true. Therefore rebuke them sharply, that they may be sound in the faith,

14 not giving heed to Jewish fables and commandments of men who turn from the truth.

In this case, tact would not do; it had probably already been tried without result. Like Jesus when He drove the money-changers out of the temple, Paul recognized that only harshness would get the point across.

Of course, handling a matter one-on-one doesn’t always work at all. But it’s our first course of action, as Yeshua/Jesus instructed in Mat. 18:15-20. If that doesn’t work, then we take two or three witnesses with us (v. 16). And if that doesn’t work, we bring the matter to the “church.”

As explained in a previous post, “The Consent of the Governed,” the “church” is the congregation. Hence, the entire congregation must hear and judge matters of this sort. As 1 Tim. 5:20 tells us, “Those who are sinning rebuke in the presence of all, that the rest also may fear.” This is why Nehemiah “called a great assembly against” the nobles and rulers.

What if the sinner doesn’t even heed the congregation? He’s to be put out of the congregation. “But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector” (Mat. 18:17).

At that point, we’ve done all that we can do. Let’s hope and pray that such a person repents one day, before it’s too late!

Now that we’ve seen how and when we should correct or rebuke others, how should we ourselves receive correction?

How to Receive Correction

Ah, now we come to everyone’s favorite part. Everyone loves to be corrected, right? Not so much.

Yet Prov. 12:1 is very blunt: “Whoever loves instruction loves knowledge, but he who hates correction is stupid.” Again, in Prov. 13:18, we find, “Poverty and shame will come to him who disdains correction, but he who regards a rebuke will be honored.”

We should love correction, though, because it’s impossible to learn anything without it. How could you learn arithmetic if the teacher didn’t correct you when you wrote that 2+2=7? Likewise, it’s impossible to learn God’s ways or develop Godly character — or be in His Kingdom — without plenty of instruction and correction.

Whenever we study God’s Word, it corrects and instructs us. As 2 Tim. 3:16-17 tells us, “All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work.”

We should actively seek out advice and correction. As King Solomon wrote, “Without counsel, plans go awry, but in the multitude of counselors they are established” (Prov. 15:22). And again, “Where there is no counsel, the people fall; but in the multitude of counselors there is safety” (Prov. 11:14).

In fact, we should consider advice even if we didn’t ask for it. King David set us a great example here.

When David’s son Absalom rebelled against him, David fled with his army and Absalom pursued with his own army. As the two armies drew near for battle, David ordered his soldiers not to kill Absalom. But in the aftermath of a great victory, David’s nephew Joab, the commander of his army, pursued after Absalom, killed him, and ended the rebellion. A grief-stricken David secluded himself in mourning, demoralizing his followers. Irate, Joab stormed into the king’s presence, bluntly rebuked him, and said, “Now therefore, arise, go out and speak comfort to your servants” (2 Sam. 19:7).

What was David’s response? He may not have liked Joab’s tone, and he certainly hadn’t asked for his opinion. The man had killed his son! But he could see that Joab was right, so he accepted his correction and followed his advice (2 Sam. 19:8).

Yet we should also be careful about the correction or advice we accept. Prov. 16:22 observes, “Understanding is a wellspring of life to him who has it. But the correction of fools is folly.” Prov. 15:2 adds, “The tongue of the wise uses knowledge rightly, but the mouth of fools pours forth foolishness.”

We shouldn’t seek advice from fools, nor should we blindly follow just any correction or advice. We should mull it over, contemplate it, and weigh it against other advice. Above all, we must compare it to God’s Word.

We should imitate the Bereans, who “received the word with all readiness, and searched the Scriptures daily to find out whether these things were so” (Acts 17:11). As we also read in 1 Thes. 5:21, “Test all things; hold fast what is good.”

Conclusion

As we wrap up this study, let’s remember these three verses:

Jam. 1:19: “Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.”

1 Thes. 5:14: “Now we exhort you, brethren, warn those who are unruly, comfort the fainthearted, uphold the weak, be patient with all.”

1 Thes. 4:10-11: “But we urge you, brethren, that you increase more and more; that you also aspire to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business, and to work with your own hands, as we commanded you.”

Our first and primary duty is to overcome our own sins, of which there are many, and develop Godly character. It’s not our duty to dwell on the faults of others or to meddle in other people’s lives. It IS our duty to encourage and strengthen our fellow brethren.

Let’s beware the nagging nitpicker in each of us!