How I Committed Adultery (And you probably did too)

 

The Big Question

Let me get started by asking all of you a question. No, it’s not that big question. This question is a little more awkward than that. Show of hands. How many of you have ever committed adultery? How about murder? Idol worship? I can imagine not too many of your hands went up, but honestly, I didn’t expect them to. All of you who are reading this are probably good solid Christians horrified at the thought of committing adultery or murder, so why would I even expect any hands to go up? This isn’t a fair question, though, because I already know that most of you have committed adultery, and if you are a guy, you certainly have for our natural sinful state with no conscious effort to the opposite is adultery. Wait! Before you get upset with me, just hear me out a little longer, and I think it will all make sense! 

Let’s Define Adultery

To discuss any subject effectively, we need to all start with the same definition of what we are talking about; otherwise, confusion and disagreement will abound. 

Adultery: Committing sexual fornication with another man (or woman’s) spouse. 

There. Now we have a starting point. We may revise our definition a bit to more accurately reflect the facts as we go along. Adultery is committing any act with another man’s spouse that violates the marriage agreement. Whether it be holding hands (romantically), kissing, sleeping together, etc. Still haven’t done any of that? Maybe it would help if we looked at an example of adultery in the bible. Real-life examples are always the best sort to use. We’ll find a pretty good example of adultery in 2 Samuel 11.

It happened in the spring of the year, at the time when kings go out [to battle], that David sent Joab and his servants with him, and all Israel; and they destroyed the people of Ammon and besieged Rabbah. But David remained at Jerusalem. 

Then it happened one evening that David arose from his bed and walked on the roof of the king’s house. And from the roof he saw a woman bathing, and the woman [was] very beautiful to behold. 

So David sent and inquired about the woman. And [someone] said, “[Is] this not Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam, the wife of Uriah the Hittite?” 

Then David sent messengers, and took her; and she came to him, and he lay with her, for she was cleansed from her impurity; and she returned to her house.   

The famous story of David and Bathsheba starts out so understated, so straightforward, but it quickly devolves into murder, thousands of Israelites being killed by God, and David’s son also being killed. In the long run, it leads to constant strife and upheaval in David’s family, and eventually, even more of his sons die because of it, and finally, Solomon divides Israel forever. All of that from one original sin. Adultery. The next question we have to answer is, when did adultery first occur in this story? Was it when David slept with her? How about when he first sent for her? What if he committed adultery the moment he first saw her bathing on the rooftop? Now we’re getting somewhere. If he committed adultery with her before he ever even sent for her, doesn’t that mean his fate was sealed the moment he gazed upon her? Not hardly. At that moment, he had only stolen from her, and only he had committed adultery. She had not done so yet. It was all him, and he could have walked away. It still would have been wrong, but not fatal. Backing up just a bit, it seems like we are taking it for granted that he did actually commit adultery with her before he sent for her; how do we know this for sure? If you have your Bible handy, let’s swing over to Matthew 5:27-28. 

“You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ 

“But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 

Wow! Well, that answers that question. David definitely committed adultery before he ever sent for her. Christ’s point is that sin begins in the mind and is sin before it ever gets translated into physical actions. Physical sin is just the outward expression of something that began in the heart. 

Mat 12:34 “Brood of vipers! How can you, being evil, speak good things? For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.

Mat 15:18 “But those things which proceed out of the mouth come from the heart, and they defile a man.

Luk 6:45 “A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart brings forth evil. For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.

 

The heart is a garden that can either produce evil fruit or good fruit, depending on what you plant. You reap what you sow, so to speak.

Psa 58:2 No, in heart you work wickedness; You weigh out the violence of your hands in the earth.

Sin and adultery begin in the heart. We don’t want to reap evil fruit, so we must plant good seeds. This gets back to what we think about. Our thoughts are the seeds we plant in our hearts. If even lusting after a married woman is adultery, we better know what lusting is. 

Lust: A strong longing

Oh boy. This is starting to get close to home, isn’t it? How many of us have ever looked at another married person and wished we were married to them? This isn’t good. We as men especially have a problem with this because of how our brains work. We are more visually activated. 

However, there’s more to it than just wishing we were married to them. Do we find our eyes roving at all when we look at a married woman? Can we steal with our eyes what is someone else’s just as sure as if we actually took it? Extrapolating out the principle of committing adultery with only our thoughts, we can logically say that yes, we can steal with our eyes. 

1Jo 2:16 For all that [is] in the world--the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life--is not of the Father but is of the world. 

If adultery equals stealing someone that belongs to someone else, and we can do that by lusting after them in our minds, that means lust is stealing. Therefore since we can lust with our eyes, we can also steal with them. Wait! Hold up! Someone belongs to someone else?? Yes, as we can see in 1st Corinthians 7:4

A wife does not have the right over her own body, but her husband does. In the same way, a husband does not have the right over his own body, but his wife does.

Well, looky there! Spouses own each other! Things are starting to make sense! If spouses are each other’s property, then taking them from the other person through any means, consensual or not, would be stealing! Now we are getting somewhere! But before we go on too much further, let’s revisit our definition of adultery. We’ve covered some new ground, so I think it would be a good idea to make it more accurate.

Adultery: Theft of another married person’s spouse through lust

There. That’s better! Now back to stealing, seeing that our definition is up to date. How can we steal from someone else with our eyes? 

The Power Of Our Eyes

Job had an answer to what it means to steal with our eyes when he said,

Job 31:1 “I have made a covenant with my eyes; Why then should I look upon a young woman?

That’s interesting! Job made a covenant with his eyes to not look upon a woman. Why would that be? He realized that the eyes have tremendous power over our bodies, and hence what we think. He knew that to look upon a woman would be adultery, therefore stealing. Clearly, just looking at a woman couldn’t be stealing. It has to be in how you look at a woman. I’m approaching this more from a guy’s perspective since that’s what I am, but this applies to both men and women. A major clue as to what it means to steal from a woman’s spouse visually comes from the Song of Solomon. I’m not going to quote the whole song here, but I would like to share critical parts. Throughout the entire song, Solomon comments on her visual appearance being comparable to precious jewels. 

Sng 7:1-5 [The Beloved] How beautiful are your feet in sandals, O prince’s daughter! The curves of your thighs [are] like jewels, The work of the hands of a skillful workman. 

Your navel [is] a rounded goblet; It lacks no blended beverage. Your waist [is] a heap of wheat Set about with lilies. 

Your two breasts [are] like two fawns, Twins of a gazelle. 

Your neck [is] like an ivory tower, Your eyes [like] the pools in Heshbon By the gate of Bath Rabbim. Your nose [is] like the tower of Lebanon Which looks toward Damascus. 

Your head [crowns] you like [Mount] Carmel, And the hair of your head [is] like purple; A king [is] held captive by [your] tresses. 

This gives us a hint as to what can be stolen. If these things are precious, then they must be protected. This opens up the way for a discussion on modesty, but that is beyond the scope of this article. Suffice it to say, clothing should cover things well. The point is, anything on a woman we can look at and feel a hunger for, those things can be stolen by our eyes. The ironic part about this theft is that the only ones who will know we committed the theft are God and us, and the only person it will hurt is ourselves. Oh, what a hurt it will be, though! It will poison every aspect of our relationship with both people, the one we steal and the one we steal from. So, we have established that we can commit adultery with our minds and hearts by stealing with our eyes. Now what? Most of us probably still aren’t raising our hands on the have we committed adultery question. After all, we probably guard our thoughts about married women pretty well, right? We also tend to control our eyes and keep them from looking at the things that would constitute theft. Well, hold on to your hat because I guarantee you that this next section will get you to raise that hand!

The Whole Enchilada 

We’ve covered adultery with married people, but what about unmarried people? Let’s find out! We know that even if we are unmarried, we can still commit adultery with a married person; the only question is, if both people are single, is adultery possible? Let’s have a look at the bible, shall we? 

Isa 57:3 “But come here, You sons of the sorceress, You offspring of the adulterer and the harlot!

Jer 3:9 “So it came to pass, through her casual harlotry, that she defiled the land and committed adultery with stones and trees.

What have we here? It looks like adultery and harlotry are the same things! Throughout the Old Testament, adultery and harlotry are frequently mentioned in the same breath. Harlotry is adultery, and adultery is harlotry or prostitution. Even in the New Testament, Peter says,

 

2Pe 2:14 having eyes full of adultery and that cannot cease from sin, enticing unstable souls. They have a heart trained in covetous practices, [and are] accursed children.

It looks like we can commit harlotry with our eyes; our heart follows where our eyes go, and having eyes full of adultery goes hand in hand with having a heart trained in covetous practices. Harlotry can occur between two unmarried people; therefore, following the train of logic we have established, so can adultery! Now comes the real question. Why is this so? Why would it be adultery? Let’s think about it logically for a moment. Any unmarried person is always potentially someone else’s future spouse. This means lusting after them is the same as stealing from that future spouse! Just because you steal from a package that hasn’t arrived yet doesn’t make it any less of a theft from the recipient. If every unmarried person belongs to a future spouse, this explains why it would be adultery to lust after them. This is where most of us are raising our hand, right? Of course, we’ve all looked longingly at someone of the opposite sex at some point in our lives. I’ve failed in this area, and I know most if not all of you have to. We didn’t understand better. Now we do know better, and we can change our ways and repent. It’s not easy; it requires some hefty duty eye monitoring and mind control tactics. We have to constantly be on the lookout because it’s not only physical people we can steal from but pictures or movies as well. Ever heard of porn? This industry makes its living off stealing from men and women visually. Most movies coming out of Hollywood make it a point for characters to wear clothing that just absolutely invites lustful theft. It’s truly everywhere. For any guy struggling with learning eye control and mind control, I would suggest reading “Every Young Man’s Battle” and, of course, the Bible. Let’s redefine adultery one more time, shall we?

Adultery: The act of theft through longing after someone of the opposite sex you aren’t married to 

There. The final full biblical definition of adultery!

The Reason For The Season Article

This whole article, up to now, has been laying the groundwork for the next subject. Dating. A six-letter word no father likes to hear. How should we look at dating in light of everything we have just learned? How should we look at it in light of scripture? We can establish a few basic facts using what we have already learned. 

1. You can commit adultery with someone before either of you are married. 

2. Every person belongs to their future spouse.

3. Adultery starts with the eyes and thoughts.

4. Harlotry, premarital sex, and adultery are one and the same.

Working from these and a few more principles from scripture, we can begin to see a blueprint for what dating should look like. Dating should be with a purpose. Whoever you date, it should be with the intention to marry them.

1Co 10:31 Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. 

Luk 14:28 “For which of you, intending to build a tower, does not sit down first and count the cost, whether he has [enough] to finish [it]--

Ecc 9:10 Whatever your hand finds to do, do [it] with your might; for [there is] no work or device or knowledge or wisdom in the grave where you are going.

Dating any other way is adultery. Dating, just to date, is the way of the world, and we are called to be different from the world. This applies to everything, including dating. 

Rom 12:2 And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what [is] that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.

Our standard is God’s standard, and His standard is to do things with purpose and intention. If every person is someone’s future spouse (and never 100 percent yours until ‘I do’ or a promise to marry is invoked), then we are in an interesting position, for we must not do anything with them that we would not do with someone else’s spouse! This stretches from romantic physical touch (Holding hands, cuddling, kissing, etc.) to romance of any kind before marriage. Their body and your body belong to somebody else until ‘I do.’ More than just outright respect for the commandments and the other person and their spouse, there should be fear of God involved as everybody you date and marry is either God’s son or daughter. This is why Paul says of the unmarried, 

1Co 7:1 Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: [It is] good for a man not to touch a woman.

This is talking about romantic touch, not accidental or mechanical touch such as in dancing or sports. It’s basic respect for them and their future spouse as God’s children and brothers and sisters in Christ to not steal something from them that can never be returned, whether it be a kiss or holding hands.

Jas 1:13-15 Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am tempted by God”; for God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He Himself tempt anyone.

But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed.

Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death.

Part of showing respect for God as their spiritual Father is showing respect for their physical parents! Asking the father for permission to date his daughter goes a long way! It’s a difficult bar to attain and goes against our man of flesh that we all battle against, but we must prevail! We must especially keep our eyes and our thoughts to ourselves when dating. It’s easy to start thinking of them as our future spouses, but we must not fall into this trap! Remember! Not until the rings go on the finger are they yours to think about. In fact, as children of God, you don’t even have the authority to touch them or think about them in any way other than brothers and sisters. Only husbands and wives have that kind of authority. Any other time it’s adultery!

1Ti 5:1-2 Do not rebuke an older man, but exhort [him] as a father, younger men as brothers,  

older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, with all purity.

1Th 4:3-8 For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; 

that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, 5 not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God; 

that no one should take advantage of and defraud his brother in this matter, because the Lord [is] the avenger of all such, as we also forewarned you and testified. 

For God did not call us to uncleanness, but in holiness. 

Therefore he who rejects [this] does not reject man, but God, who has also given us His Holy Spirit.

When we date and marry somebody, we must not be unequally yoked*; they must be in the Church*, the Body of Christ. This doesn’t mean that just because someone is attending church, they are in the Body of Christ. You must get to know their fruits and see if God’s spirit indeed lies with them. You will know them by their fruits. 

  

The Last Bit

Well! We’ve made it to the final farewell! Adultery is a tricky and nuanced subject, as is dating. I’ve only begun to cover it in this article, so if you have anything to add or if I got something wrong, please feel free to comment below! 

Our loyalty lies with God and His Word, and we owe it to ourselves and our future or current spouses to abide by and follow it to the best of our ability with the aid of God’s spirit. Physical adultery and mental or spiritual adultery are all equally wrong; however, physical adultery wrongs people other than yourself. In the timeline of things, mental adultery always precedes physical adultery. We must be aware of this and control our thoughts, and a big part of maintaining our thoughts is controlling our eyes to keep them from stealing from others. This takes a lot of prayer and practice to accomplish successfully.

Mat 5:28-29 “But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

“If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast [it] from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell.

I hope I’ve given you some helpful clues on how to do this throughout the article! With prayer and time through Christ, we can accomplish all things! 

2Ti 2:19, 21-22 Nevertheless the solid foundation of God stands, having this seal: “The Lord knows those who are His,” and, “Let everyone who names the name of Christ depart from iniquity.”...

Therefore if anyone cleanses himself from the latter, he will be a vessel for honor, sanctified and useful for the Master, prepared for every good work.

Flee also youthful lusts; but pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.

Gal 5:16-17 I say then: Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh.

For the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another, so that you do not do the things that you wish.

© Kyle Bacher 2022

*The Church: A term used to signify all those who belong to the Body of Christ regardless of organizational or congregational affiliation

*See: We Should Be Dating The World! ...Or Should We?