We Should Be Dating The World! ...Or Should We?

 

Intro Music Time

This is to be the first in a series of articles on dating. This particular article touches on both, as you cannot discuss dating without turning to marriage. As an unmarried young man, I have no experience with marriage and little with dating, so how could I possibly be qualified to write such a series? Well, experience-wise, I have zero qualifications, but there are a couple of things to offset experience. First, I have God’s Holy Spirit, and that covers a multitude of inexperience. Secondly, I have no experience, and that in itself is a qualifier. What do I mean by this? Experience can sometimes be a hindrance when writing about emotional topics, blinding us to what the Bible actually says, and there are few more emotional topics than dating. I have no stakes in the game, so in theory, I should be able to write a less biased article using only what the Bible says as my guide. With prayer and the Holy Spirit, of course.

1Co 12:8 for to one is given the word of wisdom through the Spirit, to another the word of knowledge through the same Spirit,

Eph 1:17 that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give to you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of Him

I realize this is a sensitive subject, so I will do my best to respect that while still speaking the truth. These are my personal bible studies that I am sharing with you (in a more coherent manner than they generally start in my head, of course). Marriage is a fascinating subject for me, and I greatly enjoy studying it, and it is this fascination that I hope to convey to you, the reader. I hope this series proves beneficial to you, and as always, if I get something wrong, or miss something entirely, feel free to comment below! Enjoy! 

Begin In the Beginning

“Is it okay to date outside of the church?” This question is probably familiar to all of you, for it comes up at almost every youth camp Q and A and frequently in Church bible studies. Anywhere young people in the Church* gather, there will be a question of dating outside of the Church*. Where does this question come from? How long has it been around? The first recorded case of someone in the Bible marrying outside the faith is Esau. We find this in Exodus 26:34.

When Esau was forty years old, he married Judith the daughter of Beeri the Hittite, as well as Basemath the daughter of Elon the Hittite. They caused Isaac and Rebekah great anxiety.

This caused his parents great anxiety, but why would that be? Let’s answer that question after we get a bit more background on the subject. Before we dive in too deep, let’s establish our starting premise. Every author, when writing an article, begins with a premise that may or may not be the same as his or her foregone conclusion. When studying the Bible, starting out with no foregone conclusion but a well-defined starting premise is best. Here’s our starting premise:

Dating outside of the Church* is okay or even beneficial.

 

There. Now that we know where we are starting from let’s see whether or not scripture backs us up on that!

Begin at the end of the beginning, for that is a very good place to begin. We will start by looking at the first marriage created by God in Genesis and working backward towards dating.

Gen 2:24 Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

In marriage, a husband and wife are to become one flesh. One unit, one Spirit, one in purpose. That’s a huge statement! Clearly, if you are going to become one with someone, you want to make sure that who you are becoming one with shares the same core values and major beliefs as you do. In 2 Corinthians 6:14, Paul says, 

“Do not be unequally yoked with an unbeliever.” 

Being married to someone outside of the Church causes many problems. If the two are not united in their purpose and goals, they will not be pulling in the same direction. Okay, but this is the New Testament. Perhaps we are misunderstanding what Paul is saying. Let’s have a look at the Old Testament. This statement from Paul is a direct quote from the Old Testament in Deuteronomy 22:10.

“You shall not plow with an ox and a donkey together.”   

Well, alright. We shouldn’t plow with an ox and a donkey together, but how does that relate even slightly to marriage other than both parties can at times be donkeys? Plowing with an ox and a donkey together would have been ludicrous in an agricultural society. Chances are it would never have occurred to them to try plowing like that because it would bring terrible results. An ox and a donkey are of wildly different strength and size, which means they pull adversely to each other. You would ordinarily use a harness for donkeys and a yoke for oxen. Trying to plow with them together would have wrecked the yoke and resulted in crooked rows, among other problems. Being aware of this and living in an agricultural society would have made this a perfect example to use to illustrate what happens in marriage. God was always after the Israelites for marrying outside their belief system and into the pagan nations around them.

Deu 7:3-4 “Nor shall you make marriages with them. You shall not give your daughter to their son, nor take their daughter for your son.

“For they will turn your sons away from following Me, to serve other gods; so the anger of the LORD will be aroused against you and destroy you suddenly.

More examples of this can be found in Joshua 12:23-24 and Exodus 33:16. Marrying outside of their faith was strictly forbidden. Some misinterpret these scriptures as talking about interracial marriage, but that simply isn’t the case. The nations around them were of the same skin color as the Israelites, and provisions were made if they wanted to marry a foreign girl they captured. 

Deu 21:11-13 “and you see among the captives a beautiful woman, and desire her and would take her for your wife,

“then you shall bring her home to your house, and she shall shave her head and trim her nails. 

“She shall put off the clothes of her captivity, remain in your house, and mourn her father and her mother a full month; after that you may go in to her and be her husband, and she shall be your wife.

We can see from other places that she would also need to conform to his beliefs and convert. 

Exo 12:48 “And when a stranger dwells with you [and wants] to keep the Passover to the LORD, let all his males be circumcised, and then let him come near and keep it; and he shall be as a native of the land. For no uncircumcised person shall eat it.

Pagan women were the downfall of Israel many times and precisely the collapse of the wisest man to ever live, King Solomon. Ancient Israel was forbidden to marry pagan women, but how does that apply to us? For one thing, there’s the quote from Paul, but Israel was God’s Church at that time, and we are spiritual Israel now.

Gal 6:16 And as many as walk according to this rule, peace and mercy [be] upon them, and upon the Israel of God.

Gal 4:28 Now we, brethren, as Isaac [was], are children of promise.

Gal 3:29 And if you [are] Christ’s, then you are Abraham’s seed, and heirs according to the promise.

1Pe 2:9 But you [are] a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, His own special people, that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light;

It would seem that not marrying outside of the faith wasn’t just a concept Paul came up with on his own; it was and is a God-given command, first to physical Israel and then to Spiritual Israel. A godly person yoked to someone outside of the Church results in both of them pulling in different directions. It strains the bonds of marriage and puts added tension on the bond that shouldn’t be there. The mates either begin pulling apart or, even worse, the unequal bond makes them start to plow a crooked row, drawing them off of God’s path. It is more likely that bad will influence the good for the worst, not the other way around.

1Co 15:33 Do not be deceived: “Evil company corrupts good habits.”

All of this is to say that who you marry is the second most important decision you will ever make, with baptism being the first. We must be cautious and ensure we are aligned with the person we want to marry where it matters the most; in our walk with God. We’ve pinned down marrying outside of the Church. Not a great idea, right? Forbidden by God and ruinous to our spiritual life, all that good stuff. 

Good Reasons Don’t Grow On Trees

Now we are starting to work toward the subject of dating. A whole different ballgame than marriage, right? Just a fun time to try people out, have relationships without the commitment and see if you can find someone compatible with you. What are some reasons we would even consider dating outside of the Church to begin with? As I’m sure you’ve probably noticed, young people in the Church of God are a rare commodity, to say the least. That is our number one reason for wanting to date outside of the Church. Scarcity of options. After all, we can date and have fun with someone outside of the Church; we don’t have to actually marry them. That doesn’t sound just right, but we’ll come back to that. What are some other reasons to date outside of the Church? The other main reason I hear is, “What if God uses me dating the person to call them into His ways?” Let’s address this one first. Getting back to the scripture, let’s start in Genesis and look through to Revelation to see if there is ever an example of that happening in scripture. 

A few moments later…    

Okay. Here’s what I found. 

Gen 6:13-14  And God said to Noah, “The end of all flesh has come before Me, for the earth is filled with violence through them; and behold, I will destroy them with the earth.

“Make yourself an ark of gopherwood; make rooms in the ark, and cover it inside and outside with pitch.

Exo 14:21 Then Moses stretched out his hand over the sea; and the LORD caused the sea to go [back] by a strong east wind all that night, and made the sea into dry [land], and the waters were divided.

2Ki 1:10 So Elijah answered and said to the captain of fifty, “If I [am] a man of God, then let fire come down from heaven and consume you and your fifty men.” And fire came down from heaven and consumed him and his fifty.

Gen 1:1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.

Wow! God is really powerful! All-powerful, in fact! All of the miracles and wonders He has wrought from the world’s creation to now are incredible! God is truly awesome! Now, what was I looking for again? Oh yeah! Does God need us to date someone to bring them into His Church?

Psa 1:1 Blessed [is] the man Who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly, Nor stands in the path of sinners, Nor sits in the seat of the scornful;

1Co 15:33 Do not be deceived: “Evil company corrupts good habits.”

Kind of arrogant of us to think that we can call someone, isn’t it? Only if the Father calls someone can they come to Christ. We have no authority or ability to call someone. Okay, there goes that excuse. Dating to bring someone into the Church is out. What about the first question? Scarcity of options. Let’s talk about the most important decision we will ever make first. Making your commitment to God’s way of life first before you commit to marriage is really important. Logically it makes sense to commit to the more important aspect of life before you commit to a lesser, doesn’t it?

Pro 16:3 Commit your works to the LORD, And your thoughts will be established.

Pro 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding;

Mat 22:37 Jesus said to him,” ‘You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’

Mat 6:33 “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.

The Divine Order of Commitment

It is essential to be baptized before marriage. We need to have our commitment priorities in order. Having God’s Spirit working through both people makes marriage a lot easier. When you marry, you promise God to commit to the person for life. You cannot separate God from marriage. Back to our question on the scarcity of options. One of the scriptures I quote above thoroughly answers this question.

Mat 6:33 “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.

Here are a few more scriptures just for added measure:

Ecc 8:6 Because to every purpose there is time and judgment, therefore the misery of man [is] great upon him.

Psa 27:14 Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.

Gal 6:9 And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.

Lam 3:25 The LORD [is] good unto them that wait for him, to the soul [that] seeketh him.

  

What is the purpose of dating if not to marry? We should be dating with the intention of getting married.

Ecc 9:10 Whatever your hand finds to do, do [it] with your might; for [there is] no work or device or knowledge or wisdom in the grave where you are going.

 So I guess that means dating isn’t a fun period of trying out a bunch of different people with no commitment. It would seem that our original premise is incorrect. We shouldn’t date someone we know we cannot marry. Your spouse should be your traveling companion, you should be able to support each other in your walk with God, and that can’t happen if you are both on different paths.

Ecc 4:9-10 Two [are] better than one, Because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him [who is] alone when he falls, For [he has] no one to help him up.

The Main Attraction

Spouses not walking the same path is contrary to becoming one flesh, but what about the primary purpose of marriage? Wait, I thought becoming one flesh was the primary purpose of marriage?! Not according to Malachi 2:14-15

Yet you say, “For what reason?” Because the LORD has been witness Between you and the wife of your youth, With whom you have dealt treacherously; Yet she is your companion And your wife by covenant. 

But did He not make [them] one, Having a remnant of the Spirit? And why one? He seeks godly offspring. Therefore take heed to your Spirit, And let none deal treacherously with the wife of his youth.

The purpose for becoming one flesh, and thus marriage, is to raise godly offspring! If you both believe in two different gods (for everyone believes in a god, for the atheist, it is himself), what do you teach your children? The Bible says to teach them God’s ways. 

Deu 11:19 “You shall teach them to your children, speaking of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up.

This is a command; as such, it cannot be ignored. The unbelieving spouse will undoubtedly want to teach them the things of the world, but as a follower of Christ, you can’t allow this to happen! So what’s the answer? Don’t even date them in the first place. The main question to ask with dating outside of the Church is this, does the end justify the means? The story of the first king of Israel answers this question pretty well.

1Sa 13:9, 11-14 And Saul said, Bring hither a burnt offering to me, and peace offerings. And he offered the burnt offering. ... 

And Samuel said, What hast thou done? And Saul said, Because I saw that the people were scattered from me, and [that] thou camest not within the days appointed, and [that] the Philistines gathered themselves together at Michmash; 

Therefore said I, The Philistines will come down now upon me to Gilgal, and I have not made supplication unto the LORD: I forced myself therefore, and offered a burnt offering. 

And Samuel said to Saul, Thou hast done foolishly: thou hast not kept the commandment of the LORD thy God, which he commanded thee: for now would the LORD have established thy kingdom upon Israel for ever. 

But now thy kingdom shall not continue: the LORD hath sought him a man after his own heart, and the LORD hath commanded him [to be] captain over his people, because thou hast not kept [that] which the LORD commanded thee.

Obedience Above Sacrifice

God desires our obedience to Him regardless of what our reasoning is. The ends don’t justify the means when it means going against God’s commands. God will use our example to call someone without our dating them, and it will be a better example for it. If someone is genuinely interested in God’s ways and is indeed being called, they won’t need a romantic relationship to be drawn in. You should be the light that shines the example of Christ and points them to the destination. You should not be their destination with Christ their means of reaching it. 

 What if you are already dating outside of the Church? What should you do? Start with getting counsel from people in the Church you trust, such as elders, parents, and ministers. Pray about it! Study your Bible! What does God say? Marrying them would be wrong. Take their feelings into consideration.

Mat 7:12 “Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.

If you care about them and you recognize that the relationship can’t make it to marriage, what should your decision be? How would you want them to handle the situation if it were reversed? There can only be one answer, and it’s up to you to ensure it’s the right one!

© Kyle Bacher 2022

*The Church: A term used to signify all those who belong to the Body of Christ regardless of organizational or congregational affiliation