The Big 5!

*Warning! This post contains trace amounts of sarcasm and was produced in a facility that also manufactures disdain for modern psychology and manipulation tactics.*

 

What is your love language?

If you are under the age of about 35, this question will likely be posed to you at some point. 

It is an important question as the health of your relationships seemingly depends on how you answer the question: what can others do to make me happy?  Have I told my spouse or friends how to please me?  

The concept of “the 5 love languages” became popular in 1992 with the release of a book by Gary Chapman explaining these principles and how to get the most out of your relationships with other people.  After seeing the wonderful fruits of this book in the lives of my peers, it makes me wonder how anyone has experienced a happy and meaningful marriage without it.  Just think of the people who, for the last 5,900, years had no refined way to request from their spouse's the actions or words that bring self-gratification.  The fact that we humans did not go extinct entirely is likely the result of patriarchal chauvinism. 

 

Now that we humans have risen to an edifice of wisdom higher than our traditionalist forefathers, and even the happily married old couples that we encounter, it seems we now have a clear path forward to achieve the pinnacle of selfishness - a momentous aspiration that the ancients would likely have killed for. 

For this to work you must take this test and think about which two things make you feel the best, then you tell your spouse and/or friends what your love languages, are so they know better how to please you.  If you can get them to take the test as well and divulge to you their love languages then this enables you to make them feel special with minimal effort.  You can get straight to the point without actually caring about them. 

The following bullet point sections are taken from the link below. These are meant to explain what the love languages are and do not necessarily represent the official quiz that one may find online. 
https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/the-5-love-languages-explained

# 1. Words of affirmation

• You really like hearing your partner say, "I love you." Those three words are particularly meaningful, special, and reassuring for you to hear. Again and again and again.
• You appreciate when you are being acknowledged and praised. It's nice to have your efforts recognized with kind words, no matter how small it is. It lets you know that you are valued. Extra points if it's out of the blue.
• The details matter, and it's important your partner remarks on things like if you changed your hair or actually put on work clothes instead of your pajamas for your Zoom work call. It shows they are paying attention, which helps you feel cherished.
• You feel valued when they take the time to thoughtfully reflect and comment on something positive they notice you doing. When you do something nice for your partner, they say, "Thank you," which makes you feel recognized and affirmed.

Who doesn't want to be continually praised? Think how meaningful it is for your peers to congratulate you when even when you lose money on a foolish investment. It shows that they either don't think you are as stupid as you do, or are ashamed to admit it.  When your 14--year--old son introduces his plan to ride his bicycle off the house roof, it is important for his mental growth that you encourage him in this endeavor. “You've got what it takes, Son.”  Equally important is to continually shower your daughter with compliments.  Tell her that she is a beautiful little princess every day. Even when she becomes a sassy, selfish little brat, continually strutting her stuff and demanding attention.  She'll probably outgrow this behavior when she is a teenager.  

For those whose love language is words of affirmation,  if you have no friends or spouse to receive these from, do not despair. You can find audio clips on YouTube that will tell you what you want to hear.  Some of these even last for 8 hours so you can listen to them all night long. (Yes, these videos actually exist.) 

# 2. Quality time

• You like to spend uninterrupted time with your partner. It's critical you have enough time to hang out and enjoy each other with undivided attention. No distractions, please.
• It's meaningful when they make time for you, prioritize you in their schedule, and don't cancel plans.
• Creating memories and special moments together is super important. Sharing new experiences means the world to you.
• Time is precious, and it's meaningful to soak in every second of your time together.
• You feel content and happy when you are around your partner, even if you aren't really doing anything. The important thing is you are spending focused time together.

If you feel warm and fuzzy when you are the center of attention,  then this one might be your primary love language. It is a real slap in the face when your husband goes to work every day, especially on your birthday, when the more loving thing to do would be to take you out to dinner at a nice restaurant.  And for us guys, it can be incredibly hurtful when your wife spends more time attending to the new baby than cuddling on the couch with you.   Simply remind your spouse what your love language is and everything will be bliss. 

# 3. Acts of service

• You feel taken care of when your partner supports you and helps ease your responsibilities when they do little chores or tasks for you. Domestic bliss unlocked.
• It means a lot when someone follows through on something, especially if they were paying attention and stepped in to help. When they do this, you trust your partner to pay attention to the little details.
• You think talk is cheap; action means everything. You need someone to come through and to know you can rely on them. Show, not tell.
• You love when your partner steps in to do little things for you to make your life easier.
• If you're feeling stressed or tired, it would be nice if your partner saw it as an opportunity to step up and alleviate your burden by taking something off your plate that's easy for them to do. That small act helps you feel taken care of.

Don't feel like doing the dishes? All you must do is remind your husband what your love languages are and hint that you don't feel like doing dishes, and if he loves you he will take care of it!  If the hints go unnoticed,  you might pout until he asks what's wrong, at which point you can inform him that he doesn't love you because he never does the dishes. You sly genius! 

# 4. Receiving Gifts

• You feel loved when you receive a gift. The present itself is nice, but it's really the thought behind it that counts: The gift becomes an object that helps you remember they were thinking of you, which fills you with love.
• After a date or a trip, it's special to take a memento home with you. Seeing the item reminds you of those sentimental moments.
• The best gifts are the meaningful ones. If it's a surprise gift, even better. It strengthens the bond and builds a deeper connection for you.
• During holidays, birthdays, or anniversaries, you want to commemorate it with a present of some kind. Those days are extra special, and you love using those days as a reminder of your commitment.
• The gesture of receiving a gift demonstrates that you are seen, cared for, and prized. You really thrive on the thoughtfulness behind the gesture and treasure nostalgic items.

If receiving gifts makes you feel on top of the world then others need to know it. 

Pro tip:  If you continually shower your friends with gifts then if they ever make an accusation against you, calmly remind them how much you love them and gesture to the windowsill full of dollar store figurines that you bought them.
Pro tip # 2:  It's a numbers game. If you buy your friend or spouse a cheap chinesium trinket, and tell them about it before you give it to them, then they will feel obligated to buy you something as well.  And since you are better practiced at buying crap, then they likely won't find as good of a deal as you did and will spend more money on you than you did on them.  $ $ $ 

# 5. Touch

• You look forward to hugs, cuddles, and kissing. Nothing beats tactile, physical intimacy.
• You feel grounded in a relationship when physical affection is accessible and often cultivated. Holding hands, long embraces, and kisses are common and welcome occurrences.
• You're game for public displays of affection. It helps you feel wanted and desired.
• If your partner is sitting next to you, you would rather sit side-to-side and cuddle up. The closer, the better. If they are nearby, it's almost automatic you reach out to them to touch their leg, play with their hair, or give them a back rub.
• Sexual intimacy makes you feel loved and closer to your partner.

If you are human, then physical touch, especially from the right person, can make you get a high due to the release of a hormone called oxytocin.  Rather than tell your boyfriend or girlfriend that you are an oxytocin junkie, tell him or her that your love language is physical touch, and if they are immature then they will hold your hand and more, and you will get your high.  If they have the maturity to reserve such things for marriage then dump that them!  He or she obviously doesn't love you enough to give you what you need. 

Now that we have explored what modern western culture has to offer, let's take a look at what the Bible has to say. 

Words of affirmation

Job 32:21: “Let me not, I pray, show partiality to anyone; Nor let me flatter any man.”

Proverbs 28:23: “He who rebukes a man will find more favor afterward than he who flatters with the tongue.”

Proverbs 29:5: “A man who flatters his neighbor Spreads a net for his feet.”

Proverbs 27:6: “Faithful are the wounds of a friend, But the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.”

Proverbs 29:17. “ Correct your son, and he will give you rest; Yes, he will give delight to your soul.”

This does not mean that compliments or encouragement are not allowed. Certainly not!  This means don't be fake about it.  Don't tell people what they want to hear when it is not true, nobody will gain from such behavior.  

Proverbs 12:18-19: “There is one who speaks like the piercings of a sword,

But the tongue of the wise promotes health. The truthful lip shall be established forever,

But a lying tongue is but for a moment.”

Quality time

The entire book of Ecclesiastes makes the case for prioritizing relationships with our Creator and families over pursuing things that will perish. All these other things are labeled as “vanity” and we are encouraged to work hard, and enjoy the fruits of our labor.  Ecclesiastes 9:9. “Live joyfully with the wife whom you love all the days of your vain life which He has given you under the sun, all your days of vanity; for that is your portion in life, and in the labor which you perform under the sun.”

Proverbs 5:18-20:  “Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of your youth. 

As a loving deer and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; And always be enraptured with her love. For why should you, my son, be enraptured by an immoral woman, and be embraced in the arms of a seductress?” 

Spending quality time with one's spouse is definitely a good thing, and can help prevent adultery and broken homes.  It is unhealthy for a man to consistently work out of town and not make it home every night.

 

Furthermore, it is the duty of parents to teach their children to walk in the way of their Creator.  In speaking of the laws of our God, Deuteronomy 6:7 tells us: “You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up. This is quality time. 

1 Timothy 5:8:  “But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”   I believe this verse is referring to providing spiritually as well as physically, and this requires spending time with one's family. 

And finally, Proverbs 23:4:  “Do not overwork to be rich; Because of your own understanding, cease!”

Acts of service

Galatians 5:13: “For you, brethren, have been called to liberty; only do not use liberty as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.”

Matthew 20:28: “just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.”

Philippians 2:4: “Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.”

There is absolutely nothing wrong with stepping in to help someone else. In fact, the Bible encourages us to do just that. The problem comes in when people use “acts of service” to gain favor or to manipulate others. 

Gifts 

Matthew 6:1: "Take heed that you do not do your charitable deeds before men, to be seen by them. Otherwise you have no reward from your Father in heaven.  (2) Therefore, when you do a charitable deed, do not sound a trumpet before you as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may have glory from men. Assuredly, I say to you, they have their reward.  (3) But when you do a charitable deed, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing,  (4) That your charitable deed may be in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will Himself reward you openly." 

There is certainly nothing wrong with giving gifts, when it is not done for personal gain. That would be a bribe, and we all know what the Bible says about bribes. 

And finally, the Messiah Himself said, “It is more blessed to give than to receive”  (referenced in Acts 20:35).

Touch

1 Corinthians 7:1:  “Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman.  (2) Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband.  (3) Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband.  (4) The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.  (5) Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.  (6) But I say this as a concession, not as a commandment.”

Here the Apostle Paul acknowledges the importance of physical connection in a marriage, and outlaws using such as a manipulation tool.  Also, notice that this is for married people, and not singles. 

1 Peter 3:7: “Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.”

Conclusion: 

The principles of encouragement, spending quality time, acts of service, charity, and physical connection are encouraged in the Bible, but these principles tend to be grossly abused and weaponized for personal gain when not kept in check by reading what the Bible actually says. 

All things we do in our lives should be weighed against the Bible.  We should be extremely cautious when applying these principles and make sure that we are not using these to manipulate other people as is so common these days, especially among the younger generations.

    

Romans 12:9-10:  “Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good. Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another;”

Philippians 2:3:  “Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.”

For further reading see How to Be Miserable: a Guide  

** All Scripture references are NKJV.